Two Be Or Not Two Be…

Two months ago this day - I have received a phone call from my mom. It was the only one phone call from her that I wish I haven’t picked up if I knew what she would say would shake me to the core. I can barely remember much of what has been said except for 2 things- “Pastor Totie…lung cancer”. Two things I’ve never imagined to ever be linked together in one sentence.

When I got home that night from the lab, I came before God in prayer with some sort of trepidation in my heart. I was wondering how God would like me to be praying about the matter. I was afraid that my faith might not hold up if He asks me to believe for a miraculous healing. But I am more afraid of the thought if He should tell me otherwise.

Two passages of Scripture- that’s what God has given me off hand. But the revelational insight to these came in parts.

One - would teach me how to pray with a tangible kind of faith for Pastor Totie’s healing.

Two -to carry on with a tangible kind of comfort when he passes on.

A lesson in faith…

John 11: 4 NKJV

When Jesus heard that, He said, “This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it.”

It was a tall order. But by God’s grace, the Lord caused me to cry out every time I pray for an increasing measure of faith…until it came to a point where I think I can not believe any harder that God is ABLE to do it. There had been a time though when I was even afraid to speak about it lest an iota of disbelief find its way to my mouth and I end up like Zacharias with a tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth.

There had been countless of times that I was a just a silent “stalker” of Cassie and Mike’s FB wall posts…deriving comfort and strength from their courage and faith – and from every photograph of Pastor Totie’s all too familiar smiling face.

A deeper understanding of being comforted, of a greater hope and of a greater fear of the Lord…

Pastor Totie’s smiling face is a picture of hope. There had been distinct moments when I knew hope was birthed and re-birthed in an even greater measure in my heart. If he can find a reason to be smiling about when he is in pain, then surely I can find one, too. But on that balmy Sunday afternoon on Father’s day…I can sense that there was a heaviness in my spirit – a heaviness that was not oppressive but one that calls you to labor with birth pangs until you have labored to bring forth a “breaking” in the spirit.

So after the church service and I had my lunch, I went into my room, got my guitar and started worshipping the Lord. Except for a short time where I have to go get something from the grocery store, I spent almost the whole afternoon until evening just worshipping God and praying in the spirit. Finally, the breakthrough came. I started weeping and weeping and weeping – for what reason, I didn’t know. And as suddenly as the burden came…it was lifted the same manner. So I got up, washed my face and had dinner.

It was 8:30pm, Boston time.

At 9pm, Kuh came up on skype. She told me Pastor Totie has gone to be with Jesus.

10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1 nothing.

I was waiting for grief to sink in. It didn’t. Not right away that is. Nevertheless, it still had been one of the hardest places I have ever been in my life.

“But Lord…You said…not unto death…not unto death…”

Indeed, it was a very hard place to be in. It called for me to choose whether or not (as one preacher said it) to have a good opinion of God. It was hard. It was difficult. But by God’s mercy God has gently opened my heart to receive His grace…and my eyes to understanding. And in quietness that was brought about by God’s peace that passes all understanding, He spoke into my heart 2 things.

Two things that have brought a greater hope and a greater fear of the Lord…

One – Pastor Totie has hit the mark of God’s high call upon his life.

Two – Pastor Totie, after having been perfected in suffering has now come home to glory.

And just as Jesus has bided Lazarus to come forth, out of the grave to where He was, Jesus has bided Pastor Totie out of his sickness…to be where He is.

And this was the time God has quickened the other passage of scripture He has given me and with it a degree of understanding.

John 13: 1, 3

“ Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that His hour had come that He should depart from this world to the Father, having loved His own who were in the world, He loved them to the end….

Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands, and that He had come from God and was going to God…”

God confirmed in my heart that it was really his time to come home. But what struck me more in this passage of Scripture was the thought that just before he passed on, Pastor Totie was found to be doing what glorifies God the most – finishing strong and finishing well in the work that God has ordained for him to accomplish even before the foundation of the world.

2 ways - Pastor Totie’s ministry has impacted my spiritual journey:

One – Part of who I am now, God has brought about by imparting in me a degree of Christ-likeness in and through Pastor Totie’s life

Two – Who God would like me to become, is reiterated rather eloquently through Pastor Totie’s death - that is to be someone who will hit the mark just like he did.

I didn’t mean to work intentionally around the number “2” as the theme of this essay when I started writing my thoughts. But for what it’s worth…it can be used to spell out two choices:

“HIT OR MISS?”

Philippians 3:12-14 NKJV

¹² Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. ¹³ Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, ¹⁴ I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.